Recent Life

I have sat down a number of times to put down my feelings about what is really going on in our life lately, but for some reason I just get stuck and never finish.  I think it is important to document the real stuff going on, not just cute pics of the kids, but it is often hard for me to get my feelings out here.  I'm going to try to record them again anyway.

August was a crazy month for us.  Brad was working nights and gone on interviews every weekend.  Just when I feel like I am already a single mother, it seems like his schedule gets worse and proves to me that even though it feels that way a lot of the time, I am very thankful that I am not.  But. . .in August I really was (other than the part that I didn't have to work full time myself while taking care of the kids--for which I am TRULY grateful).  We really didn't see Brad hardly at all the entire month.  I think he slept in the same bed as me maybe 2 times in August.  It was interesting to see the difference in the girls.  They went from missing Daddy everyday and asking about him constantly, to kind of forgetting about it and just knowing that he wasn't going to be coming home.  While it was certainly sad, it did make it easier on me to not have to disappoint them and I was pleased with how resilient they were.  For the most part I was able to keep it together without too much struggle.  We were all certainly grateful when August came to an end and interviews were over.

Brad was interviewing for fellowship positions in Maternal Fetal Medicine.  We will find out in October where he matches (assuming he does--fingers crossed).  This process has been harder for me than when we went through it for residency.  I think partly because there is this part of me that feels like it is never going to end.  This was an "extra" that we didn't necessarily sign up for from the get-go.  I cannot wait to be done with medical training and I look forward to the day when I can enlist Brad's help, outside of just talking things over with him on the phone or before we fall asleep at night.  Most of the time I am just used to being independent and doing everything on my own, but sometimes I struggle and get tired of it all.  I am also at a point in my life where I am really wanting to settle down and put down some roots.  I am not looking for the next big adventure.  I want to live relatively close to family members and I really don't want to deal with the hassle of moving across the country again and I don't want to live anywhere where we have to move our family of 6 into a 2 bedroom apartment to get by.  Beyond all of my feelings, Ella has picked up on the idea of what all of these interviews of Brad's mean.  She understands that when he is Michigan or Hawaii or Texas that it means these are all places we could be moving to next year.  I had not discussed it with her at all when she started telling me all about where she does and doesn't want to move and crying about how she is worried about it all.  She must have picked up on the tension in the air. :(   The pressure of having her be pleased with the results does not make things much easier either!

At the same time, I REALLY want to be a supportive wife to Brad.  I don't like it when I get overwhelmed with it all.  I want him to have every opportunity he can to be fulfilled in his career and find balance with life at home.  He works hard and it is not easy for him either.  He wants to spend more time with us and through this fellowship he is convinced that he will have the opportunity to be more present in the future than he would as a regular OB/GYN.  I hope he is right.  As he has interviewed at different programs there are certainly ones that stand out as better than the others academically, but also ones that seem to fit his personality and interests more.  Some of these have not coincided with places that I particularly think would be "great".   The month of August was stressful, not only because of Brad's absence, but also because anytime we had to talk the discussion was centered around these things and our ideas didn't always match up.  Luckily towards the end of the month and into September we were able to come to some agreements and I think we both feel much more peaceful and hopeful about things now.

The problem is, after all of this worry and stress and figuring out what we think will be best, the final say will not be in our hands.  We will once again be subjected to the Match program and will simply get an email stating if we matched, and where it is.  It can be very scary not to feel like you have the final say.  I hope that we will be happy with the place we end up.  I hope we will get the news we are both hoping for on October 9th.  I'm sure that no matter where we end up it is where we are supposed to be, but I also hope where we are "supposed" to be is where I want to be.  (Or at least in our top 3 :)). 

 

Oh yeah, and did I mention I am 8 months pregnant and we don't have ANY idea what we are going to name this baby?  That is another post for another day, but emotions are running high around here with all of these unsettled issues.  I just don't do too well myself when things are up in the air!

 

Lucky for us things will all be settled by the end of October, we will know of our plans for next summer and we will have a beautiful, healthy baby to welcome into our home.  The girls are certainly excited for that, as we all are.  I hope this post hasn't sounded too negative, but I wanted to get out what has been going on.  We have been blessed and have not had to endure real trials while we are facing these stresses.  We are healthy and happy and are most definitely blessed in everything that is important.  Our family is our greatest blessing, and our girls are about the best they could be.  We are eagerly looking forward to getting some of these things figured out!